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I don't know what to do anymore

#1
Are you male or female:
Male

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Female

What is your age:
26

What are the ages of the other people involved:
21

What is your relationship status:
Single

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
In Committed Relationship

How long have the two of you been together:
We are not together but she did like me and said she'd give me a chance if their relationship goes bad.

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
No

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Does not apply

How long have you been divorced:
Does not apply

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
Does not apply

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
Does not apply

What country do you live in:
USA

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
Does not apply

I have a question. I have a friend i've known her for over 5 years. Last year i got the courage to tell her i liked her. she said she liked me too and that she wasn’t looking to be with anyone at the moment. She had another friend who was my friend too. Even if i only know him for a couple months i trusted him. He told me “he did not like her and only saw her as a little sister” he also said “i can see you two together” he even gave me tips to getting closer to her including making jokes and getting into things she was into. I invested so much money and time to try to get closer to her.
It was all useless. that same guy moved into her home and he is now with her. He said he did nothing wrong and now I’m the friend of hers that may never see her again. That happened last year and ever since i cry everyday of how hurt someone i trusted lied to me. I couldn’t take it and last week i made so many stupid life choices. One was trying to end my life. Now I’m sitting her in sadness and shame. With no thought of being happy. I recently left the hospital and am back to a world I feel alone in. She said she still wants to be friends and said if they ever did break up she will give me a chance. But i love her more than anything in the world. She knows this.
I'm going anywhere i can for advice. I don't want her out of my life (And i 100% refuse to do that) but i don't know what to do. Can you please help? I also have the option to see her this summer but i don't know what to do. Because of him i may only see her once a year if never again. I love her more than anything in the world and would do anything to be with her.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore

#2
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. :oops: Please make sure you that if you feel suicidal you call for help immediately. Your life is important. :) Call the police, the hospital or a good friend or family member for help if you even think you might be going into that dark place. Okay? ;)

It's really hard when you compete for someone and don't get the prize -- but it's a double whammy when you find someone you thought was coaching you, was actually working against you. It sounds like you feel that your friend betrayed you. That's gotta be difficult. But.... my advice is to try and forgive and move on. Your friend who got the girl, should have been honest, but didn't have the self esteem to be straight up with you. A conversation you might want to have with him might be about how he hurt you -- and that you hope he can find the courage in the future to be honest and upfront -- even when it's going to disappoint someone. That's the definition of maturity and true friendship. So, try to feel sorry for him -- instead of yourself. He may have the girl, but he didn't get her with integrity. Living with good character is more important than getting any love interest. ;)

That said, you are going to get through this. And the best way to do so is to focus on getting yourself healthy and happy. Try to make yourself the star of your own life. :D Get out there and date other women. Invite them to have coffee. Smile at strangers! Volunteer and go out of your way to be kind. And by doing so, you're going to meet new women to date. Also, go out with friends - groups of friends, family members, co-workers, etc. Have fun and do upbeat things -- whether it's going to comedies, taking art classes, trying a new sport, or just hitting the gym. When you're not dwelling on what didn't happen because you're busy with what is happening, you're going to put yourself in a healthy lifestyle, and when you're being positive and taking care of yourself and getting out there to have fun, you're going to be more attractive, as well! :) I hope that helps.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore

#3
Me and him were only friends for a few months.

I have been friends with her for over 5 years. I want to be a better person so IF she ever breaks up with that jerk, i want to be ready. Please understand i love her so much and would do anything to be with her.

Again i was invited to see her this summer, should i go? If i don't i won't see her for the rest of the year if ever again. I get so emotional because i love her. Please! I just want to be with her.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore

#4
I think it's a great idea for you to take the high road. Chances are that the guy she's with is going to show his true colors with her at some point - he was dishonest with you, and that's probably not going to be an isolated incident. Eventually, she'll see through him. So, good plan for you not to stoop to his level. ;)

As for the summer, I think you should accept her invitation to visit. But....because you're so sensitive, consider bringing a friend. The friend shouldn't be with you when you meet up with her -- at least not for the whole time.... Maybe he can stay at a hotel nearby or with friends. I think that your just knowing you've got a support system, in case things get intense for you, will help.

I know you want to see her and you're really invested in her, but try to balance your life -- stay healthy so that when you do see her, no matter what, you don't across as desperate or needy. Those aren't attractive qualities, and being confident, upbeat and fun, are. It'll be a lot easier for you to be happy with her, if you're taking good care of yourself. Use the time between now and the summer visit to really get in shape -- physically, emotionally, socially and psychologically. Take one day at a time, and do something good for yourself each day.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore

#5
Hello thank you for talking to be earlier about my friend. I was wondering if you could help me with a letter i want to send to her. It's her birthday soon and i really want to let her know i still love her even though i have not talked to her in over a month. She's still with that jerk and im still very hurt but she sent me a birthday gift not too long ago and id like to send her's with a letter. But like you said i don't want to sound needy or anything negative. But i truly love her and just want to be with her. I'm doing better but im still hurt. Can you please help me? I don't know what to say in the letter and im not great when it comes to saying the right things. I just love her so much and i don't know if i can become strong enough to see her in the summer like we talked about earlier.

Re: I don't know what to do anymore

#6
Got it. I think this is a great opportunity for you to send her a gift that is romantic -- a photo of the two of you, framed, would be perfect. So, too, would be a romantic novel, some music you think she'd like, or a piece of art -- or even beautiful flowers. Stay away from anything that projects practicality or "friend zone". :? In your birthday card, let her know you think about her all the time, hope that she's doing the same. Less is more. Don't send a letter, because you're more likely to spill your hurt again, and she probably doesn't want to hear that. Instead, send a romantic, upbeat and seductive birthday card. Stay strong -- because strong is more attractive than weak, and enticing and seductive is more attractive than needy and desperate. ;) When you have these opportunities in the relationship, try to use them to leverage your position out of the friend zone and into the romantic arena. If she can think of you as a romantic interest and not a friend, you're going to have a better opportunity at another shot with her (that is successful!). I truly believe that she'll see who this guy is, eventually, and she won't like it. In the meantime, take care of yourself and do things for you -- and when you do get these opportunities to contact her, make them romantic contacts. ;)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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