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How Should I Handle our so far Communicationless 4th Date Eve?

#1
Are you male or female:
Female

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Male

What is your age:
50

What are the ages of the other people involved:
58

What is your relationship status:
Divorced

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
Divorced

How long have the two of you been together:
4 weeks

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
Yes

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Divorced

How long have you been divorced:
7 years

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
6 years

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
I have 1 teenage daughter, age 17 (at home); he has 4 sons and 1 daughter,20-30's (none at home)

What country do you live in:
USA

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
Does not apply

This question is how to handle 4th Date Eve. After a communication-less Monday, I finally heard from him Tuesday evening around 7:30pm and we've had pretty good communication since then. His two sentence email Wednesday evening "I am ready for Saturday to get here. It's been 3 or 4 weeks since I saw you last" was disconcerting to me since had actually been 3 or 4 DAYS, NOT WEEKS, but my sister says "he was being sarcastic meaning it feels like that long." Do you agree with my sister? We have communicated since then, but I have not mentioned that email even though my sister thinks I should. What do you think? Our last two communications are a text from me yesterday morning (responsive to his good morning text without questions) and an email from him last night with no questions. Now 4th date-eve is upon us with no specific plans, such as pick up time, etc. I like the idea of inviting him over for dinner, except that right now I have a clingy elderly mother and teenage daughter at home. There will be times later in the month when both will be out of town and I can pull it off better. For now, though, I still avoid initiating contact on any given day and have yet to hear from him today. What should I do from here now that it is 4th date eve?

Re: How Should I Handle our so far Communicationless 4th Date Eve?

#2
Glad you heard from him. :D I honestly think that he just made a mistake when he wrote 3 or 4 weeks instead of 3 or 4 days. I think he was busy and simply miswrote the words. We all do that sometimes! It's not a big deal. The important thing is that he's contacted you and he's mentioned a date for this weekend! Unfortunately, he hasn't given you a time and place. And since you're caring for your mother and your teenage daughter, it makes a lot of sense that you'd want to know what's going on, so I think you should ask. You can text or email him that you're looking forward to seeing him, and wanted to make sure you have "coverage" for your mother so you can enjoy yourself when you're out with him -- can he give you a ballpark on the times? Granted, this isn't ideal, and it would be great if he had thought of this on his own, but as you said in your last post about this issue, (viewtopic.php?f=1&t=326929&p=364393#p364393), he's got a busy job. He may just be preoccupied and feels that these details aren't that important. I don't think he's right, but it's not a deal breaker, and it's something you can bend on for now and work on modifying for future. I know you want him to be the one to contact you first, and that's not wrong, but since it's a fourth date and not a first date, shoot him a text just asking the time for this weekend so you can get things sorted on your end with your mom. I don't think it makes you look needy. It's just the evolution of your dating communication. ;) If the fourth date goes well, try to do a little behavior modification by telling him how much you enjoy seeing him and that it makes your time together even more enjoyable when he gives you three or four days of advance planning notice so you can get schedule your weekend. And give him some positive reinforcement by telling him how great it is when he tells you a time and place a few days in advance. I hope that helps. :)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Kind of Acts Like We Are Exclusive, but Has Never Brought Up The Subject

#3
I've now had 6 dates with this new guy since May 20. One month of dating. We've seen each other one night every weekend and once during the week. When out of town, he writes me about how he can't wait to see me again. Thing is, he has never brought up exclusivity or commitment. And no, nothing has happened to create a presumption if you know what I mean. It's been a struggle, but I have managed not to initiate contact even once. I know I can't bring up the subject myself - a definite no-no. I've always heard that if a man does not ask to be exclusive, then presume that you are not. Since things haven't gone that far physically, I think it would be morally okay for me to have a casual date with another guy who has asked me out , don't you? I'd rather be exclusive with this one, but I can't make him bring it up. Would it be good for him to know someone else is interested, or would that be detrimental?

Re: How Should I Handle our so far Communicationless 4th Date Eve?

#4
These are good questions. I think it's fine for you to have a casual date with someone else, now. Playing the field while you're not exclusive with anyone, is just smart dating. That said, I would not let him know that you're dating someone else. It sounds like he likes you, and that this may become exclusive at some point down the line. If he hears you're seeing someone else, he may feel discouraged or manipulated, and the goal of dating is to get to know each other -- not to rush things by letting him know he's got competition. If he's smart, he'll understand that's unspoken. ;)

That said, I understand your interest in moving things along and feeling a commitment and the relief that may come with it. I get it. However.... the reality is that six dates and a month or two of dating is still early to make something exclusive because you really don't know each other that well yet. That's what the dating process is for. So don't just check off dates on a list -- use them to learn and figure out if this is someone you want in your life for the long run. Exclusivity is for when you've really gotten to know each other and you want to hone in on that long-term relationship. Typically, I suggest that you date six months before making a relationship exclusive. It may seem like a long time, but I've heard from way too many people who discover "surprises" of all types, within those six months, and after they've become exclusive. When you find a negative surprise after you're exclusive, it's a lot harder to process than if you learn something you don't like about someone without that commitment.

Try to enjoy the process and use it to your advantage to learn about yourself and this guy -- or any other guy you're interested in. But don't try to manipulate him because it may backfire. Hope that helps! :)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Re: Texts After Missed Call

#5
So my 6 date guy called me last night out of the blue from his week out of town., That's a good thing, but I was exhausted to the point of grumpy from packing to move locally (which he knows about), so I let it go to voicemail. Instead of leaving a voicemail, however, he sent a text (much like the ones he usually sends before calling) which said, "Hey, if you have time for a call tonight, let me know." Given his wording, I did not respond last night, but I did send a responsive text this morning. My text this morning said, "Good morning. Sorry I missed you last night. I would have loved to talk! Hopefully I can get a raincheck :) What's on tap for you today?" That was 4 hours ago and still no response. What should I make of his lack of response? My sister had advised me to say in this mornings text that I had fallen asleep, but that would be a fib. She also suggested that ask if he would like to talk today, but I did not for 2 reasons - 1) he may be too busy and 2) I am too busy today! Still, I'm afraid he may feel like I am trying to manipulate him as you warned in your prior reply, but that is not the case at all here. We are supposed to see each other Saturday night (following my move), and, even though I know I will be exhausted, I can't wait! Since I ended my morning text with a question and have not heard back in 4 hours, should I be worried?

Re: How Should I Handle our so far Communicationless 4th Date Eve?

#6
When you text someone, if there's no reason for an immediate response, you should expect a response within a day or two, depending on the relationship. Since he was looking to connect the night before, and you weren't up for talking, so you responded the next day, there's no pressing reason for him to respond. He'll probably get back to you in a day or two -- and since you have a date scheduled for Saturday, I'd expect that if he doesn't call you to chat today, he'll contact you to schedule the date. I don't think you should be worried at all about the four hour lag time between when you texted him and now. It's a week day and he probably works and is busy with his life, so.... hopefully you'll have a great date! this weekend! 8-) If you're worried beyond the texting that there's an issue in the relationship, or that you like him more than he likes you -- that's a different issue, and check yourself to make sure you're not projecting that issue onto the text response. ;)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

[Standard] How Should I Handle our so far Communicationless 4th Date Eve?

#7
I called him after a month of no contact. He made the unsolicited statement that he does not want a relationship, not just with me but with anyone. I said "ok" and got up to leave. He followed me to the door. That's when he kissed me and said, "Maybe we can go out again sometime, just for fun."
Do you still think he is "back"? I haven't heard from him in the week since I saw him. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Nevertheless, if this is a genuine opening, then I would like to make something of it. I do have a concern, though, about his unsolicited remark that he does not want a relationship.
If there is a real chance to pick up where we left off, then I am willing to take it. I think the right woman could rebuild things under this set of facts, don't you? Some women might not be as hesitant under these circumstances of having been dumped and being told he does not want a relationship. I blame myself for things going wrong before, though, and would like to try and correct it if it is possible. Do you think it is possible? What do you mean by "he's trying to keep it light to avoid "the third rail"'? My thought in going forward would be to keep it light and see if rebuilding is possible. I want to do as you suggested - to "flirt with him, compliment him, be affectionate and generous with him and make him feel really valuable." What is the best way to go about it? What if I sent him a flirty text and see what happens from there? If so, can you give suggestions? WHAT WOULD YOU DO NEXT?

Re: How Should I Handle our so far Communicationless 4th Date Eve?

#8
If after about 8 or 9 dates, a guy says that he doesn't want a relationship, believe him. If you do continue with him now that he's disclosed his motive, understand that you'll be doing exactly what you started out saying you didn't want to do -- which is sleeping with a guy who won't commit to you. Now, it's not just your guess or your instinct -- he's come right out and set things straight. He's in it for fun, but he doesn't want a relationship.

I think that you have an opportunity to move on and find what it is you really want -- but you won't find it with him. This isn't a situation where you can fix him or turn him around. Luckily, you haven't invested all that much time or energy in him and the dating situation -- so far. I would hate to see you waste your time on someone who's coming out and telling you he's not your Mr. Right. :oops:

Consider his statement a gift -- he doesn't want you to get hurt or continue in something that is never going to result in the relationship you're looking for. Don't ignore what he's told you. Pay attention! This is exactly how you get to know someone -- and he's given you real insight into who he is and what he wants. ;)
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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