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Boyfriend has secret friend

#1
Are you male or female:
Female

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Male

What is your age:
55

What are the ages of the other people involved:
73

What is your relationship status:
Divorced

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
Married

How long have the two of you been together:
17 months

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
Yes

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Divorced

How long have you been divorced:
20 years

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
Wife in Alzheimer's home

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
I have no children. He has 3 grown children, 6 grandchildren

What country do you live in:
USA

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
He's non practicing Jew, very family oriented, wife of 42 years has advanced Alzheimer's. He's introduced me to everyone, they like me, we travel the world.

Larry has high school friend, widow for 5 years- families close. She once sent a text while we were on a trip ( hope u r being good with a heart symbol!) I asked about her- never kissed. I believed him but he was promoting a romantic relationship whether he knew it or not. Recently, he had operation- I stayed over to nurse him, make dinners. One night, told him I was having dinner with friend, he would see guy friend. At 5, I get a call, he dialed cell by mistake, was asking woman about dinner that night. At first, said woman was friends wife then admitted truth. Told him friendship was fine- deceit was not. I said we should all meet. Finally said she didn't want to meet me, let's not talk about her again, it will be negative. Other night, said going to sedar dinner at nephew house, giving up next to last lakers season ticket! I joked he was probably seeing widow! Then I mentioned a charity dinner where basketball star kissed me on cheek. Said I'd consider dating a player but I'm not single! He said I was, we're not engaged. So I can date? He replied- if He doesn't know about it. I said, you know I have men friends who know I'm seeing you, let's see what friends are free.. I called two, left messages, he said nothing. I said," you're so secretive- you may even still be sleeping with your wife!" They had no sex for years. Once home, he was icy. Said I'm beautiful, enjoys me but I must stop this widow talk. I asked if I should stay, he said nothing, packed all my stuff, he looked surprised. He said see you tomorrow. Didn't call me all day, I saw parents, he had that dinner. Called him while heading home. His cell phone had new voice message "larry and Mary are not home..." his wife's name!! I called home number- " calling to see if you're still alive!" He's got bad heart, pacemaker. Silence. I told him I'll call when get home. He was curt. I didn't call. I told him have walked away from disrespectful relationships. We have made travel plans through year. Should I call? What is going on?

Re: Boyfriend has secret friend

#2
I'm sorry you're so upset. It sounds like you thought this was more monogamous and committed than it is. But don't despair. This is actually an opportunity, even though it may not feel like one, to get some clarity. The reality is that your boyfriend is 73 and married. It's very sad that his wife has advanced Alzheimer's, but he still considers the marriage valid to some degree, and if you're hoping to get married, you may want to reconsider this relationship as a marriage possibility. Clearly, the two of you have had a commitment, but the degree of that commitment seems to be changing.

It sounds like even though he's married, he's jealous when you go out, in addition to which, he's got a relationship of some sort with this widow. In other words, you have a lot of competition --- in both his commitment to his wife, and this other woman. He's also give you a head's up that the two of you are not engaged, so you're still single -- and I think that was hurtful to you because of your feelings and commitment to him.

His recent silence is an indication that he doesn't want conflict or drama. So, if you want to win him over, put down the boxing gloves. You'll catch more bees with honey than vinegar, as the saying goes. He is looking for companionship, sex, someone to be a social partner, and maybe more. If you want to give him that, and you can have your needs fulfilled while doing so, go for it! But, if you're upset that he's married, or seeing this other woman, don't push him away with conflict. That won't work. You're going to have to win him over with love and affection. If you're too angry to do that, consider that he may not be able to give you what you want -- and that's clarity.

I hope that helps.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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