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Boyfriend's possessive male best friend sabatoging our relationship?

#1
Are you male or female:
Female

Is the person your question is about male or female:
Female

What is your age:
25

What are the ages of the other people involved:
25, 24

What is your relationship status:
In Committed Relationship

What is the relationship status of the person you are dating:
In Committed Relationship

How long have the two of you been together:
1.5 years

Is this an online only relationship:
No

Have you ever had a date in person, face-to-face:
Yes

If this is a long distance relationship, how often do you physically see each other:
30 days together, then 30 days apart

If you’re engaged, when is the wedding date:
Does not apply

If you’re engaged, but there is no wedding date set — why not:
Does not apply

Are you divorced or just separated:
Does not apply

How long have you been divorced:
Does not apply

How long has the person you are dating been divorced:
Does not apply

How many kids do you each have, and how old are they:
Does not apply

What country do you live in:
United States

Describe any cultural, religious or family influences impacting your relationship:
Does not apply

I recently moved in with my bf, his friend John, and John's gf. The gf dumped John and moved out, so now it is just us 3. Both my bf and John have similar jobs, working 30 days, then are off for 30 days. My bf's work has limited cell service, so spending time with him when he's home is really important to me.

In the past, John and I got along fine. However, as soon as my bf got back it seems like John is actively trying to end our relationship. There's been a reoccurring problem where John needs to be the center of my bf's attention---all day, everyday, and without me. If my bf and I make plans, John tries to invite himself or change them to something only he and my bf would do. John also keeps throwing insults at me, through "jokes" or talking behind my back. He also tries to convince my bf that I'm crazy, using anything and everything I do (studying, working out, cleaning, etc.) as an example.

So far I've ignored John's comments, and have not tried to interfere with their guy time. However, after a week of insults and almost no alone time with my bf, I pulled my bf aside and told him how I felt. He said that I was overreacting about the comments, and that he wants to more spend time with me too. I've been making plans to do something together once a day (even as simple as grocery shopping), but John still tries to interfere.

John and my bf have been friends for years, and I don't want to force my bf in position where he has to chose, but I don't know how to handle this situation. I'm worried if I'm direct with John, it'll backfire on me. Please help!

Re: Boyfriend's possessive male best friend sabatoging our relationship?

#2
The first thing you can do is to accept the challenge! You've got competition. Rise to the occasion. You've focused on the problem, now focus on a solution. Use your charms to entice your boyfriend to want to be with you. Instead of complaining about his friend, John, ignore John and focus on the two of you. Sometimes, when you give a problem energy, it grows. If you let it go and don't give it attention, it fades away. So, change your behavior and your attitude so you can win your boyfriend's attentions.

Second, you can turn the other cheek towards John. He's obviously upset about his breakup and he's projecting his feelings onto you and your boyfriend. You've felt attacked, but if you can diffuse the situation by offering to have lunch with him, go for walks with him, and talk to him like a good friend, he may change his tune. He's probably jealous of your boyfriend for having you and because misery loves company, he's looking to make some misery. Don't let him. Buy him a present. Make him cookies. Be a friend he values and doesn't want to lose.

Third, consider finding a place to live that is just for you and your boyfriend -- without roommates. Whenever people have roommates, there are potential complications beyond the norm. Since you and your boyfriend are newly living together, it's important not to create drama, and instead, focus on what's fresh, new and positive. :) Find some one bedroom places to rent and show him how excited you are to just look at them. Just to see.... ;)

Hope that helps!
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

Is it too late to rekindle the spark?

#3
My bf and I have been together for over a year. For the most part, things have been great. He is kind, patient, dependable, and trustworthy, and I think he is pretty special. He approached me yesterday saying that he doesn't love me as much as he used to, and he doesn't know why. In the past few months, there have been a lot of changes: moving in together, moving again, living situation dynamic changing, and me working from home. I feel like that, me becoming more stressed/negative lately, and how we've handled conflicts have been big factors. He is willing to try and rekindle the spark, but keeps comparing our relationship to that of his ex (1st love), which was more intense, and doesn't hold a lot of hope for us. My 1st love was intense too, whereas with him I feel more calm and secure. Is this normal? Our relationship started out really intense physically (and is still excellent in that department), and then we fell in love with each other. While we love each other, the "in love" feelings of the beginning have faded for both of us. Am I trying to force something that isn't right? If not, how do I rekindle the spark? Is it possible for our love to grow into something just as powerful as it felt with our 1st loves, or is there something missing?

Any advice is appreciated! Thank you.

Re: Boyfriend's possessive male best friend sabatoging our relationship?

#4
That "in love" feeling comes and goes. Long-term, committed relationships don't stick because of chemistry. They stick because of loyalty, character and compatibility. And... they stick because both people want the relationship to work. The problem is that if he doesn't want it to work, and if he's looking for an excuse to end things, then it's going to be hard to convince him otherwise. In fact, I don't think you should convince him. If you want to win him over, then you should try that. That's what I was trying to convey in the first paragraph of my last advice. ;) When the relationship becomes about problem solving more than it becomes about happiness and peace, it's going to wind down -- especially if you don't have a lot of history.

It does sound like this other guy is influencing your boyfriend, and the living situation you're in isn't helping, but since John is your roommate and your boyfriend's roommate, he's definitely a factor. That's why you have to focus on the relationship -- not John and not the problems John may be inciting. You need to make your boyfriend feel like he's your hero, and he's an amazing guy. You have to be the girlfriend he's proud of and he wants to show off. If you can do those things, you're on your way. But if you can't -- then this may not be a relationship that is going to go the distance. Try not to focus on controlling your boyfriend, but do amp up your own behavior. As for getting the spark back, there are lots of things you can do. Check out Romantic Date Ideas (https://www.askapril.com/relationship-d ... ideas.html), and riff on them or implement them. ;) I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert and popular media resource —  author of four relationship advice books, the 'Ask April' advice column and the #1 free relationship advice forum where over 27,000 questions have been asked and answered, personally, by April. She has nearly a quarter million active forum members, 620,000 Facebook fans and over 1.4 million Twitter followers.

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